VERY IMPORTANT ADVICE TO LADIES, ESPECIALLY THOSE IN THEIR TWENTIES (A MUST READ)

* Guys love to marry an Independent and Mature ladies... So instead of sitting there and waiting to be bluffed by a guy, focus on getting a career that would take you out of the house wife category.
* Never let the sweet talks of guys deceive you, most times they just want to go between your legs and run off thereafter.
*Remove the mentality from your mind that guys will keep springing up to approach you. The older you get by the day, the fewer “toasters” you will have.
*Playing too-hard-to-get is the worst thing you should ever start, remember, nothing lasts forever. If you still doubt it, check out the number of mature single ladies looking up to GOD FOR A MIRACLE.
*Never extort things from a guy you don't love, guys always have ways of paying a girl back, either through their FRIENDS or total PAID STRANGERS....BE CAREFUL.
*Never be deceived that you can trap a guy through sex. A man will also return to his wife who sex starve him for years once he loves and trusts her. You can never win a man over with your body.
*If all you take to the relationship is the mind set to EXTRACT MONEY from him, don't complain if all he asks from you is your body. He has seen you have nothing else to offer...
* Don't be fooled when Guys tell you they have never met a prettier girl, they will say that same thing to an 80 year old woman they want to get intimate with.
*That a guy always takes you to very expensive places is no sign that he loves you. If he doesn't care to ask and PLAN YOUR FUTURE TOGETHER then you are just his 'SOCIAL MATE' and nothing else....
*If the only time he invites you over is when he needs to cook, clean the house and do his laundry, then just know you are his "executive house help".
*If he avoids meeting your family and close friends then it is an obvious sign he is just playing games with you.
*If the only places he doesn't frown when you enter are his bedroom and kitchen then know you aren't welcome (only being used).
*Have you noticed that most of the ladies that end up being emotionally abused are the ones at the receiving end...always with open arms, requesting for something and ready to receive...
The more you widen your arms, the more he widens your legs...
*A grown up guy who gives the excuse about his parents being wild when he brings female visitors to the house is a sign that HE HAS A SERIOUS GIRL AND HAS INTRODUCED HER TO HIS PARENTS ALREADY... ADVISE YOURSELF...
*FINALLY, I ALWAYS SAY THIS AND WILL REPEAT IT... It's better to be sitting
in a taxi smiling happily than to be in your husbands fresh air-conditioned BMW x6 with bruised eyes wearing a fresh Gucci shades alongside a Burberry scarf....
JUST REMEMBER, THAT DATING A RICH MAN DOESN'T GUARANTEE HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE... MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING.....MAKING RIGHT CHOICES IN LIFE IS WHAT MATTERS MOST...

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9 GREAT TIPS FOR BUILDING LOVING RELATIONSHIP

How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to building strong relationships. These indispensable tips were not just written with romantic relationships in mind, they can be applied to your friendships, family and even work relationships.

1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid.
Don’t interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don’t make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe and “calm down.”
Remember: your partner is not the enemy.


2. Separate the facts from the feelings.
What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I’m seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What’s the real truth? Once you’re able to differentiate facts from feelings, you’ll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity.

3. Connect with the different parts of yourself.
Each of us is not a solo instrument. We’re more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your ‘gut’ saying? For example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,’ but my heart says ‘I really love her.’ Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self.

4. Develop and cultivate compassion.
Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don’t have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.

5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s”.
The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual “I” contributes to the creation of a “we” that is stronger than the sum of its parts.
The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don’t need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

6. Partner, heal thyself.
Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don’t try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.

7. Ask questions when you’re unsure or are making assumptions.
All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners’ behavior means. For example: “She doesn’t want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore.” We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what’s not being said — the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.

8. Make time for your relationship.
No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making “playdates” and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.

9. Say the “hard things” from love.
Become aware of the hard things that you’re not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.

There you have it. Be kind to yourselves. Remember: change takes time and every step counts.

Do you have a great relationship tip of your own?
If so, share it in the comments below.

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PORNOGRAPHY USE: What You Need to Know

The word "pornography" comes from the Greek words "porno" and "graphia" meaning "depictions of the activities of whores." In common parlance, it usually means "material that is sexually explicit and intended primarily for the purpose of sexual arousal."

Statistics shows that for every normal webpage, there are 4 pornographic pages. Dark powers are unleashing their worst on our planet. Pornography has taken a deep root in our moral psyche and is gradually tearing families and nations apart. Sexual immorality is a deep wound on the conscience of the practitioners and the scars remain for life. Most who have become victims have lost their relevance on earth.

My intention in preparing this article is to show you the untold negative effects of pornography. I believe that when the dangers are known, it becomes easier to steer clear from porn.

1. Addiction
The first change that happens is an addiction-effect. The porn-consumers get hooked. Once involved in pornographic materials, they keep coming back for more and still more. The material seems to provide a very powerful sexual stimulant or aphrodisiac effect, followed by sexual release, most often through masturbation. The pornography provides very exciting and powerful imagery which they frequently recall to mind and elaborate on in their fantasies.

Once addicted, they cannot throw off their dependence on the materials by themselves, despite the many negative consequences. 

I discovered from my studies on this subject that the “most intelligent” people (both males and females) are the most vulnerable to porn addiction. The reason is because they have a greater capacity to fantasize, which heightens the intensity of the experience and makes them more susceptible to being conditioned into an addiction.

2. Escalation

The second phase is an escalation-effect. With the passage of time, the addicted requires rougher, more explicit, more deviant, and "kinky" kinds of sexual material to get their "highs" and "sexual turn-ons." It is akin to what individuals afflicted with drug addiction feel. Over time there is nearly always an increasing need for more of the stimulant to get the same initial effect.

If their wives or girlfriends were involved with them, they eventually push their partners into doing increasingly bizarre and deviant sexual activities. In many cases, this results in a rupture in the relationship when the woman refuses to go further - often leading to much conflict, separation or divorce.

Let me quickly point out that from my findings, being married or being in a relationship with a willing sexual partner does not solve their problem. Their addiction and escalation are mainly due to the powerful sexual imagery in their minds, implanted there by the exposure to pornography. They often prefer this sexual imagery, accompanied by masturbation, to sexual intercourse itself. This nearly always diminishes their capacity to love and express affection to their partner in their intimate relations. The fantasy is all-powerful, much to the chagrin and disappointment of their partner. Their sex drive is diverted to a degree away from their spouse. And the spouse could easily sense this, and often feel very lonely and rejected.

3. Desensitization
The third phase that happens is desensitization. Materials (books, magazines or films/videos) which were originally perceived as shocking, taboo-breaking, illegal, repulsive or immoral, in time, come to be seen as acceptable and commonplace. The sexual activity depicted in the pornography (no matter how antisocial or deviant) becomes legitimized. There is increasingly a sense that "everybody does it" and this gives them permission to also do it, even though the activity is possibly illegal and contrary to their previous moral beliefs and personal standards.

4. Acting Out Sexually
The fourth phase that occurs is an increasing tendency to act out sexually the behaviors viewed in the pornography that the porn-consumers have been repeatedly exposed to, including compulsive promiscuity, exhibitionism, group sex, voyeurism, frequenting massage parlors, having sex with minor children, rape, and inflicting pain on themselves or a partner during sex. This behavior frequently grows into a sexual addiction which they find themselves locked into and unable to change or reverse--no matter what the negative consequences are in their lives.

A highlight of few examples given by Victor B. Cline might illustrate this.

• Marriage Threatened: A 36-year-old married male, university-educated, a professional and very successful financially, had an addiction to pornography, masturbation and frequenting massage parlors where he had paid sex. He had an excellent marriage, four children and was very active in his church, where he assumed important positions of responsibility. While he felt guilty about his engagement in illicit sex, which was contrary to his religious, ethic, and personal values and had the potential of seriously disturbing his marriage if found out, he compulsively continued to do that which, at a rational level, he did not want to do. His problem came to light when he infected his wife with a venereal disease. This created many serious and disturbing consequences in his life and marriage.
• Incest: A 30-year-old single male, religiously active and very committed to his faith, had a history of pornography-addiction. He was too shy and backward to ask adult females on dates. So he developed intimate relationships with his four-and seven-year-old nieces and their girlfriends which culminated in his repeatedly sexually molesting them. The modeling of explicit sexual activity in the "adult" pornography which he consumed helped fuel his sexual appetite and interest in these children. Because of his guilt over what he was doing, he eventually sought professional help. However, his state had a "disclosure law" which required that he be reported to state officials for his sexual abuse of these children. Because of his cooperative attitude and the fact that he sought treatment on his own, he was placed on probation, received long term psychotherapy and is now living a more normal life. 
• Most Frequent Consequences: The major consequence of being addicted to pornography is not the probability or possibility of committing a serious sex crime (though this can and does occur), but rather it’s the disturbance of the fragile bonds of intimate family and marital relationships. This is where the most grievous pain, damage and sorrow occur. There is repeatedly an interference with or even destruction of healthy love and sexual relationships with long term bonded partners. If one asks if porn is responsible or causes any sex crimes, the answer is unequivocally in the affirmative, but that is only the "tip of the iceberg."

TO BE CONTINUED….

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THE CYCLE OF EVERY RELATIONSHIP

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love – because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment. 

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "The labor of love," because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistakes about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program make you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable - you can "make" love.

Prepared by Solomon Agu (The Psychologist)

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