How many of us have learned how to build loving relationships? Where
did we learn? At home? At school? There is an art and science to
building strong relationships. These indispensable tips were not just written
with romantic relationships in mind, they
can be applied to your friendships, family and even work relationships.
1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid.
Don’t interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to
stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don’t make
threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too angry to
really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself,
breathe and “calm down.”
Remember: your partner is not the enemy.
2. Separate the facts from the feelings.
What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask
yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I’m
seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this
about him or her, or is it really about me? What’s the real truth? Once
you’re able to differentiate facts from feelings, you’ll see your
partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity.
3. Connect with the different parts of yourself.
Each of us is not a solo instrument. We’re more like a choir or an
orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your
heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your ‘gut’ saying? For
example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,’ but my heart says ‘I
really love her.’ Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist
and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that
comes from your whole self.
4. Develop and cultivate compassion.
Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of
you might judge, but you don’t have to identify with it. Judging closes
a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are
compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging
respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your
partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your
response rather than just reacting.
5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s”.
The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive
relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent
relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self,
compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and
connected, each individual “I” contributes to the creation of a “we”
that is stronger than the sum of its parts.
The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You
don’t need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and
views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are
incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keeps a relationship
exciting and full of
good fire.
6. Partner, heal thyself.
Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don’t try
to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your
partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice
versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of
itself.
7. Ask questions when you’re unsure or are making assumptions.
All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about
what our partners’ behavior means. For example: “She doesn’t want to
cuddle; she must not really love me anymore.” We can never err on the
side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from
your whole self — heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to
hear what’s not being said — the facts and feeling that you sense might
be unspoken.
8. Make time for your relationship.
No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your
relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your
relationship. That includes making “playdates” and also taking downtime
together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all
things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to
your relationship, the more it will grow.
9. Say the “hard things” from love.
Become aware of the hard things that you’re not talking about. How
does that feel? No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel
the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a
constructive manner.
There you have it. Be kind to yourselves. Remember: change takes time and every step counts.
Do you have a great relationship tip of your own?
If so, share it in the comments below.
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